She feels so helpless ... and so angry. She feels so despondent ... and so vulnerable. It is a terrible position to be in. As hard as it is to see my mom's body deteriorating right before my eyes, the hardest part is seeing the struggle of her spirit. She is completely dependent on others for the very basics of life. And "others" are busy, they are in a hurry, they have time lines to meet. Some are very kind, others are impatient. Some take time for her to express her thoughts, others finish her sentences for her or ignore her. Too many patronize her. She feels de-valued.
The body is failing fast. How can it not, when she takes in so few calories and drinks so little? It is getting harder to tell a story; there are more and more mistakes in what she says. Her skin on her lower legs looks like a bad burn. Her toes and fingers are cold and blue. She sleeps a lot. Sometimes she will rally for awhile and seem "better". But it doesn't last long anymore. She hates what is happening to her, but is powerless to change it.
My heart breaks to see this happening to such a strong woman. My prayer has become, "Lord, release her. Bring this devastation to an end." Meanwhile, all I can do is be there, listen to her, advocate for her, let her know that she is not alone.